The Fore Man

“The difference between Tiger Woods and me is that he doesn’t look this good while making a swing. Watch my shot buddy. Foreeee!!!!”

“Well that and the fact that he is a successful multimillionaire number one golf player in the world and a sports prodigy of unheralded skill…and I also hear he is part Thai. But honestly have you ever seen him take a shot while dressed in an Armani power suit like this, I swear I can feel the style just being channeled through me like I am some flashlight of smoothness and suaveness shining all over the place.”

I am sitting dumbfounded in the office of my cousin J. Hoover Sinclair while he takes another golf swing on his new Real World Golf for PC golf stimulation game. He is waving an unlit cigar around the room ponderously while grandly pontificating about all things J. Hoover under the sun. That and he has me drinking Mai Tai’s with him. I have to say, I am not a fan of the drink. I am hoping if I nod and agree with him vigorously enough he might let make me take a swing on the golf game, I have feeling I can really nail a shot.

Real World Golf features a custom golf club controller that tracks your swing in real time, and reacts in the game accordingly. It’s like really playing and it even has a multiplayer feature but for now J. Hoover is inclined to take shot after selfish shot of his own while he philosophizes excessively. I morosely take a sip of the insipid Mai Tai and muster fake enthusiasm in agreement to his proposal that all golf clubs should have trained seeker dogs to find errant golf balls.

In mid-rant about how golf has been undergoing painful growing pains with the mass influx of new golf enthusiasts who know little about the purity of the sport J. Hoover takes a big swing and pulls something in his lower back. Screaming like a monkey zapped by a stun gun he staggers to his large reclining couch which he has in office and takes a lie down. Never one to miss an opportunity I take my turn with the game while J. Hoover continues to lecture from his couch.

Grabbing the golf club controller I complete focus on the shot I’m about to make using that Jedi trick Obi Wan taught Luke Skywalker in Episode 4 to drown out the incessant tirade of J. Hoover’s voice. Completely at ease, with an eye on the ball and my mind firmly entrenched on my shot I let my swing go. With complete power and grace my swing comes down like a furling ray of fury. FORREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

For once J. Hoover is silenced. That shot was a thing of beauty. I’m sure the computer had to do some extra simulation just to track the awesomeness of that shot.

The difference between Tiger Woods and me is that he doesn’t smile this wide and take a victory samba dance after taking a good shot. That and of course that he was the highest paid athlete of 2007, earning more than a 100 million dollars. But it certainly feels like we’re kindred spirit at this very moment.