After staying awake at the office the whole night to finish the Manilow Report, fueled by cups of steaming bitter coffer, cans of cold Red Bull, frequent shock attacks to the system of pure sugar, and an unceasing frenzy of activity to hit the deadline, I literally crawl into my bosses office at 8 in the morning all bleary eyed and exhausted as never before. Only to find our supreme commander splayed out on his office couch comfortably tucked in under a huge blanket, his head ostentatiously propped up on a Deluxe Twin Pillow Pack with MicroFibre Filling, some of the softest pillows you can find this side of the planet.
I stare at his smiling dreaming obnoxious face for a little while with seething rage. He delivered an epic speech at the end of yesterday how come hell or high water we had to come together as a team and finish the Manilow Report at all costs. Tens of thousands of dollars were at stake and it would be a test of our company’s character and our very wits to see if we could finish it in time and with the quality we promised. He waxed grandiosely on how he would stay all night with the team working side by side with his workers to get this done. He went in his office at around 11 pm to “manage the most critical part of the project” as he put it. And now here I find him cradled in the lap of luxury, brow resting on the soft sumptuousness of UltraSleep Deluxe Pillows.
Unbelievable. I actually cancelled a night out with the boys having one of our legendary Monopoly sessions at Charlie Jay’s house to stay and do this work. 99% of my resolve was made up after my boss’s epic and moving speech. To find him here in the style of Homer Simpson drooling happily through the side of his mouth is absolutely soul crushing.
I clear my throat in an effort to wake him up from his blissful slumber. He remains sleeping like a baby. I cough louder, once, twice. Nothing, he sleeps on like Snow White in her unnatural state of deep sleep, and I am not the price that’s about to kiss him to wake him up. I call his name a few times loudly, he snores loudly back. I shake him violently to awaken him but he merely turns to his side and continues sleeping.
Maybe he is not sleeping, maybe he’s dead. His snores dissuade me from this appealing idea. Whatever it is, he is deep asleep and no amount of jostling and calling from me is going to wake him up. Those darn pillows are just too soft.
Which gives me an idea. I simply yank the pillows up from under his oversized head. He wakes up instantly.
“Ermm, boss, the uh…Manilow Report is done.” I say, dropping it into his lap.
He looks at me for a long time. I look back.
“Aren’t you forgetting something Johnny?” he asks. I see him take a quick glance at his pillows which I still hold in my hands.
“I don’t think so sir.” I say.
He nods in silent agreement to his crime of leisure. We wordlessly agree.
I walk out of there with the UltraSleep Deluxe Pillows.
In about half an hour I am going to be experiencing some R.E.M lapped in the comfort of luxury.