With the dawn of the New Year ahead of us and considering the fact that I won’t remember anything that happens tonight come tomorrow morning since I will be drunk out of my mind I have resolved to make a list of my top ten resolutions for 2009:
10) Red Bull is not a substitute for sleep. Nor does it make you smarter. Or stronger. Quit Red Bull before you challenge anymore Romanian wrestlers to a two way ladder match.
9) Stop dreaming of the Leprechaun Whippleskin, it is both unhealthy and weird. You might have to see someone about this to deal with whatever issue you are having with green clad midgets and how they are ruining your life.
8) Stop buying shoes every time you are feeling down, you are not Carrie from Sex and the City. A grown guy does not need every color of Adidas out there. And also you need to reclaim your dining room back from the avalanche of Nikes.
7) I do not need to comment on every single FaceBook picture that I come across, there are only 24 hours in a day, spending 8 hours a day on this is ruining my life.
6) Beer is not water. Nuff said.
5) You are not Tony Soprano and Melbourne isn’t Jersey.
4) Stop embarrassing my girlfriend Stacey Peruzzi at parties by streaking through the crowd while singing Dancing in the Rain, you are not as amusing as you think you are.
3) I vow to remove myself from every hobby club, cults, self-help groups, religions, party websites, gaming clubs, gambling dens, and other various organizations that I have joined or signed up for over the past year. The Federal Government knocking on my door has sobered me up to the dangers of trusting too easily. Al Qaeda is not a High Tea Club.
2) Never ever ever steal Ronald McDonalds again from McDonalds, the nine I have in my house are creeping me out. I think they come alive at night.
1) Stop buying so much crap, all the gadgets, phones, devices over the past year are accumulating. The box of crap I just bought is a clear sign that I am buying crap considering there was a giant label entitled “Crap” on the box. Then again I did get this niffy little watch in all that crap.
Happy New Year everybody, it’s been a blast so far!