News Team KRS One spoke to three witnesses at K-Mart over the DVD incident which saw hundreds injured and an entire shopping center thrown into disarray. Here is what they said:
Witness One (Mrs. Sally Easton, Age 42, mother of 3): I was over on the detergent aisle looking for fabric softener when I heard a large ruckus going on near the counter. There were two gentlemen, although I don’t know if I should call them that now that were arguing loudly with the cashier. One them who called himself…The Turd…or The Turk or something seemed to be complaining that his copy of Spiderman 3 that he had purchased here wasn’t working and that it had come scratched. The cashier was politely trying to tell them that there was a no return policy on these DVDs as they had been sold cheap. That’s when the trouble began. The other one, a Johnny Catch I believe he was called pulled out a water gun and started threatening the cashier with it, saying that if they didn’t get a DVD exchange over this he was going to “turn your world wet”. The cashier refused and that’s when that Johnny guy started shooting him with the water gun.
Witness Two (James Trenton, Age 18, fresh high school graduate): So I’m munching on my Cheezels when this totally wack dude starts spraying this lard ass cashier with a water gun. Lard ass totally freaks out and starts screaming “terrorist attack” over and over again while rolling himself on the ground to put off some imaginary fire. That’s what causes the crowd to stampede. You don’t get this stuff happening much in Pakenham so when somebody says terrorist attack people start to freak. People start running and pushing each other trying to get to the exits, I see this old lady who had to be in her 80’s push aside this 16 year old chick to the floor trying to get her way to the door. That’s when the crazy guy with the water gun jumps on the cashier and starts screaming “We want Spidey, we want Spidey” like some kinda a crazy mantra. I nearly pissed myself laughing so me and my friends started joining in chanting that like it was some kind of war song while the whole crowd proceeded to tear things apart getting to the exit.
Witness Three ( Bob Oliver, Age 27, lard ass cashier) : This maniacal water gun slinger and his foul mouthed compadre basically shot me with their water gun repeatedly until I begged them to stop. By this time however most of the customers had fled in a sea of panic. I knew I had no choice but to negotiate with the suburban terrorists so I told them that I could not give them an exchange for their Spiderman DVD. What I had however was the next best thing, a Philips DVD lens Cleaner, this would take care of any skipping issues they might have had with their Spiderman DVD just like magic. It was easy to use and would allow them to watch their stupid movie. This seemed to calm them down somewhat and they paid for it and left leaving behind a trail of destruction that will take me the whole week to clean. However what is important here is that I was a hero, I negotiated with terrorists and got away to tell the tale.