This one time we were in this club somewhere in Chapel Street when my buddy Matt Hoffman managed to draw the ire of a collective 12 drunken rugby players, the last straw being when Matt mooned them. Someone threw a whiskey bottle that hit Matt straight in the face without shattering as it was three quarters full, Matt went down with a black eye and perforated ear drum. This kind of thing happens all the time.
Sure Matt is a skater and into the whole extreme sports kind of thing, but not many people can manage to impale their left foot into an old pool cue while doing a skate trick. It’s amazing how many injuries, accidents, falls, cuts, bruises and electrocutions this guy goes through in year. Once we were at his mom’s tea party and he managed to burn himself with hot scalding tea. If he had a dollar for every time that happened he could throw a lot of tea parties let me put it that way.
The injuries are not restricted to those inflicted upon himself, people around him tend to get hurt as well. There was this one time when Matt climbed this three storey building and started mucking around right at the edge of the roof. Everyone got nervous quick and asked him to get off the ledge. Matt was so drunk he fell of the ledge in reply. And managed to land right on top of The Turk breaking The Turk’s two ankles. They were lucky this was during the time The Turk was still fat so it was like Matt jumping into a large sofa and breaking the sofa’s legs. If it was more recent with The Turk being so fit and trim nowadays a few ribs would have been broken as well.
It’s gotten so bad that I had to purchase a 72 Piece First Aid Mega-Kit, a full spectrum of medical necessities you might need when chilling with Matt Hoffman. It comes with Digital thermometer, scissors, tweezers, swabs, Band-Aids, bandage, tape, latex gloves, sterile dressing wound and other various accessories all in this compact, hard, carry case. Almost all you need to perform emergency heart surgery. Now when Matt causes the latest catastrophe and there is an elderly lady on the bus screaming “Is there a doctor on board!?!?” I calmly step up and try to remove the dart from Matt’s head with the tweezers and a swath of bandages. Or when Matt runs out of the kitchen with his left hand on fire yelling that he thinks he burnt the fish I can hit him down on the floor with the case, roll him until the fire goes out and then apply some soothing balm on the burnt area of his hand.
In fact its gotten so that every time Matt unleashes his latest bodily harm on himself or the nearest person people know to shout “medic!” and to see me running with my First Aid Mega-Kit in my hand like a sentinel of bodily health from a war movie. Well what can you do, we all have our roles in life I suppose. I guess mine is just Guardian of Health and Safety while Matt’s is Unleasher of Pain and Harm. We’re like Ying and Yang.
Funny then how this one time when I was treating him for a head injury he managed to “accidentally” stab me in the arm with pair of scissors I was using to cut the bandages.